Friday, January 21, 2011

If a European guy asks you where Parameter Road is...

I've had this 'invitation' on facebook for a while now: 'Compliment a Stranger' day.  To the untrained eye, this may seem...nice.  I hate to be a pain, but I do have a few minor problems with it.  Firstly, 'stranger danger'.  How could such a well established statement be wrong?  More importantly, it rhymes - stranger rhymes with danger, and danger with stranger, (and manger, but not hanger) - and this makes its truthfulness resonate universally.  

However, its deception is more subtle.  It presumes that we all innately are able to deliver compliments with ease.  Of course, this may be true for some.  For example, Mo - he has been knighted (I think by the Queen...Or was it by the band...Wait, was he actually knighted?) for his 72 minute long speech, where every sentence was a compliment.  But for others, paying compliments may not be our strong suit.

Anyway, why should we keep compliments to a single day?  We should compliment people everyday!  Maybe just not to strangers - be strong and please, stay away from the candy.  Regardless, I thought I'd provide three simple ground rules for making compliments, as a guide for the kind-hearted readers of this blogs (yes, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you are kind-hearted.  It's a safe assumption given that there is probably no-one actually reading this blog - I know I wouldn't be).

Rule 1: There's never a bad time to pay a compliment!

Example: Hey man, cool haircut!  Oh, it's like that cos you're balding?  At least you won't have to pay for haircuts in the future!

Chi was the first to test drive this compliment.  He soon discovered the man was a Russian bounty hunter: the feared 'Balding Boris'.  And yes, he's been skiing down the slopes, dodging bullets, running for his life - you know, all that jazz.  Man, Chi gets to travel so much...


Rule 2: If the situation is awkward, remedy it with a compliment!

[Your friend (party-er wannabe) finds out he wasn't invited to a party on the weekend hosted by a mutual friend (Hoster of Party/Parties).  A confrontation ensues...so say something along the lines of...]

Example: Hey, by the way, great party!  (then whisper to other friend: No it wasn't really a great party, I'm just trying to pay a compliment...but good job on the assignment over the weekend!)

Double compliment = Double diffusion of awkwardness.

Rule 3: Honest compliments are always the best compliments.

Example: You know what?  You look really good with make up on.  Much better than...well, you know.  Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch better.  [For some reason, immediately after making this comment, I impulsively sprinted away.  The oddities of life.]

Anyway, I'm off, happy complimenting!

-Josh

P.S.  Before I forget this story I was told:  My friend had a European guy as his Engineering teacher back in high school.  There was this one day where the whole class was racking their brains to figure out what the teacher was talking about.  The teacher kept saying (with a strong accent)  'Do you know where Parameter Road is?  I need to get to Parameter Road tonight.'  Finally, they figured out that he meant 'Parramatta', just pronouncing it terribly.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Sherlock Holmes was in fact the murderer?! I must have missed that part...

Last week, to my great disappointment, I discovered a fatal flaw in the game 'Cluedo'.  I was running around from room to room, making all these wild accusations about the other civilised members around the table.  Candlestick this, wrench that.  Firstly, this is completely not in my character.  I'd never make an accusation without some sort of fact base.  C'mon, who does that?

'So, at 9:55pm last night, did I not see you dancing with the deceased in the ballroom? A salsa, if I recall correctly?  Where was I at the time, you ask?  Hm...let me think...oh yes, I was having a marathon match of snooker in the billards room with Mr Green!  Oh dear...okay, accusation withdrawn.  BUT WHAT ABOUT YOU MR GREEN?!  Oh that's right, snooker match, got it...'

But what vexed me the most was the fact that in this game, I was apparently the murderer.  How does one forget killing the Professor with a knife in the kitchen??  Obviously, if I knew this fact, I would have done the smart thing and run off the game board away from all these crazed crime-solving yuppies, gone to Monopoly, jumped into the car and rented a place to sleep in.  (Not Mayfair of course; I'm too Asian for that.)  Stupid lousy communist game.

Though flawed, just like communism taught us something, we can also learn things from Cluedo.  The murderer was Mrs White, and probably will always be Mrs White.  This is why I don't trust amiable elderly ladies on the street.

And I didn't get to say this last post: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

-Josh

Monday, January 17, 2011

Even Chi is sometimes forced to travel. Clearly, there is something wrong with our world.

It came to my attention that one unnamed author of this blog UNEXPECTEDLY DITCHED the audience of this blog (for example, Chi.  Actually, he stopped reading the blog long ago, as a weak act of defiance.  The blog drew so much attention to him, many unwholesome organisations invested millions of dollars to determine who or what this 'Chi' was.  At least he got some practice in travelling - away from multiple assassins and spies.  Despite being hunted down, his main concern seems to be, and I quote: "Now how am I supposed to get a job???").

Furthermore, the other unnamed author of the blog LIED MALICIOUSLY to the audience of this blog (for example, Chi.  Not again - force of habit), claiming there would be more posts in the near future.

Upon careful discussion with the other author of this blog, we realised our foolishness.  As moral, upright Australian citizens, we couldn't stand idly by while our faithful audience felt abandoned and deceived  (most importantly, deceived).  We decided to atone for these past wrongs.  Make amends as it were.  Seek repentance.  Make up for these atrocities.

Then we suffered some technical difficulties (we lost the password to access the blog).

...

BUT, NOW WITH PASSWORD IN HAND, WE ARE BACK!!!

!!!

!!!

And, we're gone again.  Goodbye!

-Josh

P.S. At least this time, we said goodbye.  Stay tuned for our next episode, which may or may not contain some actual content!